I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize