I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
