Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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