she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize