Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
