can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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