just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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