i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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