Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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