I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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