I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
