the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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