A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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