Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
