why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
