You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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