Dude my mom stole all your condoms
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
