I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
