Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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