Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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