Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
