FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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