I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
