It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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