They should really pass out barf bags in church
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
