My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize