i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
