I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
