I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
