Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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