O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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