I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
