alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
