I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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