just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
