I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
