Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize