He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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