i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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