Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize