I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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