What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize