My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
