We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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