i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
