Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
