The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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