I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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