Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize