Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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