he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
