Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize