i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
