Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
