connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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