We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize