Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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