if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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