So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
